Through My Eyes
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Upon the Table It�s amazing what goes thru your mind as you�re lying on a massage table. It�s �me� time, just time alone with my thoughts and time to give my body some much needed TLC. Today my thoughts turned to the future, a novel concept, and one I haven�t thought much about. I was thinking about turning 40 in a few months. Not that I�m wigged out by that, it�s more that I thought my life would be way different than it�s turned out to be. Somewhere in my long, long ago I wrote at what I thought I�d be doing at 25, 30, and 40. I lost the paper long ago but I do remember a little of what I had written. I thought that by 30 I would be married and starting a family. By 40 I�d have 4 children, a happy marriage, and be living in Italy or Spain; funny how those all seemed doable at 16. So here I am at almost 40 still single, living at home, and caring for everyone but me most of the time. Not that I�d change any of the decisions that I made over that last 20 or so years, but I do wish I�d taken more risks. I let some pretty good chances for happiness slip thru my fingers because I was too afraid of being hurt again. I put others happiness before my own and somehow lost myself in the process. Now I�m picking thru the pieces of my life and trying to figure out where to go from here. I think about getting back in the �dating game�, which I really hate. I�ve never been good at that whole scene. I don�t do bars. Much to some of my friends� dismay I don�t want to try online dating. I can�t dance to save my soul. What do I love to do? I love to go to plays, concerts, and art galleries. Yeah boy there are just tons of single guys at those places�.single gay guys. I�ve tried dating guys at work and church, and all I can say is that it was a big mistake and I won�t do that again. I do learn my lessons, some just take longer than others to sink in. Do I have any clear cut answers to the question �What does the future hold for me?� Nope and I kind of like it that way. I know that I�ll get things sorted out in time and get back to being my old self again, well maybe a new improved version instead. |